page 3: "How can I go back to that crazy life?"
page 5: "That dejected air that comes from earning an honest living"
page 7: "I made myself brand new"
I came home to you
We knew it was going to happen
We were finally gonna make it
Finally together
I thought
I'd knock on your door and hell-o
now another boy kisses me goodnight
and sees my good days and
holds my hair and I dress up just for
this
I invite you to dinner and I hope that you can make it but you never can.
Love is blind
and deaf and fat and unconcerned
Love is extra time
melted
and porcelain stains and jealousy
And a blind eye to fate
Love is embracing that from whence you came
and never leaving it again
Love is the end of the search;
The answer to the question
of loneliness
and an excuse to ignore all the others.
How can I go back to that crazy life?
Put my new keys into someone else's hands
And abandon my belongings to some dark place once again
I can't even leave to buy a paper
It's all on line
I've strung everything together
Spill the ink across the table
The room isn't mine but I can't leave
I can feel it soaking in but I can't just leave
What could I do without the key
What would he do without me
Living too slow to stop dying too fast
I turn my back on the whole sticky mess
Lean back and sigh, place my elbows in it
Just reminds my brain that my hands are going numb.
I want to read Magritte's letters and wear clothes I've given away and tell everyone the truth. Instead here I am, living with you.
I want to make our house a bedlam.
We strip the walls bare and open our doors to every cliché
Jazz parties and opium peddlers and
Girls with the kind of genetics you only find in LA,
animals and acrobats and youth and punk rock music,
the sounds of seams ripping and glasses which fall into stillness
until shattering between the shoes of some uninvited but desired guest,
in furs with a cigar, a man who yells love poems when you get him drunk enough,
a man who's never been so cruel and impolite as to truly love anyone,
and bats all along the corners of the ceiling and smells from every corner of the world,
so that when one is tired one can relax by sitting back with eyes turned off
and lose oneself in the symphony of unknown aromas and relentless sound,
night after night this goes on, and each morning we rise late and groggy and slow,
each morning we would put a hand through our hair and smile
I want you out by dawn tomorrow
We've known this for a while.
That dejected air that comes from earning an honest living
Our lies and all our thieveries
Thousands of dollars
I painted an icon on the walls and we put our arms out
pursed our lips
and waited for the needle to sew us together
and good again
We awoke just the same as before
to hold each other in the stillness
A tangle of rebirth and honesty
Choking on our tongues and laughter
Letting the past fall away
where I ruined you
before perpetual dissatisfaction could
I hate this new life
and continually wish we'd never met
Good woman
I want you to come out of me
Everyone's waiting.
I made myself brand new
for you I was soft and fat and beautiful
Every day
was filled with promise Every night
an easy concession to time
We built our house with money
Loaned from "God"
And I stayed awake with sickly
bright lights Shone
them in your eyes when you got home I was
walking florescent
you shook me and the high beams flailed staccato
over Toronto and I
turn myself off to all the things and faces I once counted family I stare
down myself in small bursts it
never works I'm always angry and it
shows And then you meet her
finally And the nights change and once
I am free I'm exactly the same.